Say something about gay babies.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
