question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
as a side note pls kill me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
