Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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