Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
