he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
