How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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