I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The uberlube is also flammable
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
