dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
