Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
