dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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