Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
