Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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