why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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