She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
