Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
