Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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