Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
