why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
