wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
