im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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