you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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