I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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