When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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