I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize