ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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