Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Come share oat with me in your robe
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize