Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
