I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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