Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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