i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
sarcasm needs its own font
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
