So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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