shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
