I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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