Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
