seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
