I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
