You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
