I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
