I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize