You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
