Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
