You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
