why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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