ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
