yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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