U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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