Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
