Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
