____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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