hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
