I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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