I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
