Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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