I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
