i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
