I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
