10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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