I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
