just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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