OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
