the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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