im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
