You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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