Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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