this beer tastes like vomit already
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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