i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
