I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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